Sunday, September 24, 2006

Geek Logik

Dear geeks and those who tend them,

Let’s face it: The world is a confusing place and though your finely honed geek mind might do backflips through molecular biology, life outside a petri dish can be daunting. Wouldn’t it be great if there were clear-cut, numerical answers to life’s important questions? Such as, do you and your significant other have the potential to become soccer parents? Should I do it myself, or call an expert? Is it time to see a therapist? Fortunately, scientists have recently found that everything that counts can be counted—and also that most things can be counted on for a good laugh. The book Geek Logik enables you to take the confusing and often conflicting data in your life, plug it in to algebraic equations, and come up with simple, definite answers.

For example:
Should you apologize?

D=How big of a deal was the issue? (1-10 with 1 being "forgot to take out the trash before work" and 10 being "forgot to turn off the gas before leaving for vacation)
Ra=Actual responsibility (on a scale of 1-10, how responsible are you in reality for this blunder?)
Rp=Perceived responsibility (on a scale of 1-10, how responsible does your significant other perceive you to be in this matter?)
P=How pissed off is he or she? (1-10 with 10 being "mail-order thumb screws have already arrived")

If A is less than 1, you do not need to apologize.
If A is between 1 and 5, you should at least offer a perfunctory "Sorry."
If A is between 5 and 10, you should prepare a few remarks and deliver them with sincerity.
If A is greater than 10, contact your nearest florist immediately.

Check back for equations not seen in the book, and let me know the questions you'd like answered using the incontravertible truthiness of math. Do away with the outdated decision-making model known as "thinking about it" and get with the Geek Logik revolution!